Milestones

Well clearly I have not kept my New Years Resolution to blog more.  I blame this on the fact that either Elijah or I or both of us have been sick pretty much since the first of the year.  He finally got over this horrid cold about a week ago but unfortunately that was right after I managed to catch it from him.  I am better now but still coughing and blowing my nose more than normal.  And of course while I had the cold I wasn't feeling too nauseated (Thank you, Jesus!) but now that it's gone, more or less, my nausea has returned with a vengeance.  Like last night I got to throw up my dinner.  Yay!  If I have a third child maybe it will be a girl and I won't be as nauseated.  I kind of doubt it, but one can always dream.

Anyway, as a result of all the illness around our house we have become WAY too attached to the television.  So now that we're well, I'm trying desperately to make it a rule that we only watch Sesame Street in the mornings and a Veggie Tales video in the afternoon while I make dinner.  I'm sure that's probably more than any kid should watch, but sadly it's a great reduction in the amount of our TV viewing of late.

Of course, that means that we must fill up the time doing other things like breaking lamps, climbing on things we shouldn't, or playing with toys.  I have been trying to think of things to do outside of the house but that gets difficult since he's really still too small to play on the playground.  Today we are going to try Science City at Union Station.  I have been told there is a toddler area.  I hope this is accurate because we're going after his nap, which usually ends around 3.  It makes total sense, right?  Now that we're not sick anymore we should visit a place where tons of toddlers waddle around and put their grimy hands on everything, right?!

Anyway, we're going today because it's right next to Mike's (aka Daddy's) work and when he gets off we're going to meet him for dinner and then go to the Ash Wednesday service at church, which starts at 5:30.  So it's either go meet him for dinner or not see him until after service.  But onto the title of this blog.

Here's a picture of Elijah riding his car to break up the monotony.

If you've read any of this blog or have talked to me at any length about Elijah you know that he reaches every milestone at about the time I'm thinking he's never going to reach it and there's something wrong with him.  Well, I have been thinking that about his speech for quite awhile.  He babbles like nonstop but as for actual real words, there aren't that many.  And the ones he does use I'm not even sure he knows what they mean.  On the other hand, it's clear that he understands at least 80% of what we say to him.  So I have no idea what's going on.  But instead of focusing on that, I'm starting to wonder why there aren't notable other milestones, such as climbing.  Because he has that one down.  In fact, just when I think there's nothing in an area to climb on, he finds something to climb on.  Or what about breaking something?  Because he broke the floor lamp in our living room.  We managed to fix it, but still.

Or how about shapes and puzzles?  Because he's insanely good at that stuff.  Not like to where I'd be concerned about austism, just good at figuring out which piece goes where and what shapes go in which holes in his shapes ball.  I wish I could video record him doing these things but generally when I pull out the camera he is more interested in the camera than in what he was previously doing.

Here he is putting the cow piece in the right spot.

 

You probably can't tell, but that's the blue cube-shaped block he's put in the right spot.

 

And as you can see, the triangle shape is going in the right spot.

He also has a shape ball that has way more complicated shapes in it (i.e. hexagon, pentagon, trapezoid, etc.) but it's upstairs and I'm too lazy to go to the trouble of trying to get a picture of him playing with it.  Suffice it to say that he can usually find where the shapes go and if he doesn't it's usually because he has the trapezoid upside down or he confused the pentagon spot with the hexagon spot or something else equally understandable.  So instead of complaining and worrying about the lack of speech, I'm going to praise and brag on my kid for being really good at shapes.  It's just a different sort of intelligence, right?  Maybe this is where he's gifted and he's just not interested in talking all that much.  At least I hope so.

What's Been Going On

Okay, so I have been a major slacker lately, not just in blogging but in about everything.  But of course, if I slack off in everything, blogging is included in that.  Part of the reason is because being pregnant SUCKS!  I mean, I love feeling baby kicks and I love the end result of the baby, but I feel tired and nauseated all the time.  That's right, I'm 22 weeks and still nauseated.  I was nauseous from week 6 until he came out of me with Elijah.  I was hoping this time I'd get to be like all the other women in the world and only be sick until second trimester but alas, no such luck.  So I'm just expecting to be popping zofran until this one is born, too.

On top of my being sick, Elijah has been ill off and on since before Christmas.  For awhile there he was coughing so much and waking up crying so much that it was like we were revisiting his old non-sleep days and I was about to rip my hair out.  Anyway, he's sleeping at night again, thankfully, but he's still coughing.  It's been going on since just after the first of the year and I'm really tired of it.  He doesn't seem like he has a cold and I don't think he has anything contagious, he just coughs all the effing time!  Part of me wants to insist that his pediatrician test him for asthma but what good would that do?  They can only give us inhaled steroids for that, right?  And we tried giving him that before and he fought so much that I don't think he really breathed anything in.  On the other hand, since we haven't had a real freeze this year, maybe it's allergy-related.  And it's not like he can't breathe, he just coughs all the time.  So I'm really not sure what to do about that.

But in the spirit of getting back to blogging, I have decided to run through a quick update of what's been going on lately.  So first of all, all the sickness, but now onto things that are way more fun.  January 25th was my niece's first birthday so Elijah and I went to OKC for her party and stayed for the week.  Here are some cute pictures from said party.

 Kiddos playing with bubbles.

 Elijah checking out the presents.

 Elijah & Cousin Addi playing with her drum.

 Addi looking inquisitive about the presents.

 Addi opening presents.

Addi devouring birthday cake.

In other news, since we are having another baby in June, and since Elijah got an overabundance of toys for Christmas and we're running out of room for all toys, I bought something to keep the toys in the living room organized.  This was needed due to lack of storage space for toys and also simply because we need to start keeping the toys and doing most of our playing downstairs since once the new baby comes, we won't be able to be upstairs playing if new baby is sleeping.  And since I am mildly OCD about keeping things clutter-free, I got really excited about having this in my house.

It was on sale for $40 at Target.  And I had to put it together and buy the cloth drawer things separate, but still I think it was a good deal.  I was planning to go looking at thrift stores for something I could repaint or something but I think after all the looking around and refurbishing it would be worth the $40 I spent at Target.  Fortunately there is still plenty of room for new toys so we can add more as the kids get more toys (which I am certain they will).

Finally the biggest news of all came today at the doctor's office when we had my sonogram and discovered we are having another little boy!  The sonogram technician got a shot right between his little legs and even I could tell there was a little peepers poking out between them.  So we get to reuse all of Elijah's old clothes and I now get to start decorating the guest room to convert it into another nursery.  I will definitely take pictures and blog about that as it occurs.  (At least I plan to.)

Then I felt like a rock star because I managed to get my scanner working so I was able to scan the sonogram pictures we have.  I know it may not seem like much, but this scanner is a pain in the heiney every time I have to install it or reinstall (which I have had to do several times) and this time I had to search for drivers online and then download them and then find the hardware manager thing and tell it to update the drivers and then get the software working and then actually uninstall the scanner and reinstall it... Anyway, it was a job and now it's done and working.  So I'm pleased.  But no one cares about that except me, what you really want to see are the sonogram pictures.

 He was trying to suck his fingers a lot.

Here's the naughty bits picture.  It may not be as obvious here but you could really tell those are his legs and his little man part poking out between them when we saw it in the doctor's office.

Another profile shot.

Okay, I better get to making dinner.  I will try not to take so long between blogs from now on.

Christmas

Okay so I'm finally getting around to blogging about Christmas.  Actually, I have failed to blog enough in general so my New Year's Resolution is to blog more.  (By the way, I don't make New Year's Resolutions, so it's really just me saying I wish I blogged more.)

Elijah and my niece Addisyn playing together

In general, I am not a big fan of Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful that Jesus came to earth and I do like that Mike takes time off work and we get to eat a lot and see family.  I am just disgusted by the extreme consumerism of Christmas in the United States.  I am not a bug gift person in the first place.  Like when my birthday or anniversary or Valentine's Day comes around and I tell Mike I don't want him to get me anything, just take me to dinner, I'm not one of those women who says they want nothing but is going to hold it over your head for the rest of eternity if you don't get me something anyway.  I honestly don't want a gift.  I'd rather save the money and put it towards refinishing the hardwood floors in our bedroom.

Opening presents with Daddy.

On top of that, it always irritates me when I see ads on TV claiming if you buy this thing you'll be happy or everyone will love you or you'll fit in and become a fulfilled person!  I think on a general level everyone knows this isn't true, but people still live as if it is.  Even me.  Like Mike and I are the only people on the planet left that don't have fancy pants iphones or something similar and don't check email and facebook with our phones.  And yet when I see someone with an iphone I start thinking about how much better my life would be with one.  Really?  Seriously, Bonnie.  But of course if I wanted one, I'd rather buy it for myself, not have someone give it to me.  And back to the ads, it gets worse at Christmas time.  And it works because every year you hear stories of people using pepper spray at walmart to keep others from getting to the last ipad or people trampling others to death (literally) to get in a store and get the reissued Michael Jordan hitop sneakers.  It's just disgusting to me how terribly we have robbed Christmas of its true meaning and so I'm cynical about it.

Addisyn opens her new Elmo doll with my mom.

In addition, my anti-gift-giving attitude makes things difficult for me to enjoy getting or giving gifts at Christmas.  Like my parents and Mike's always get us way more stuff than we get them.  Now, this is partially because we live on one measly income that supports 3 (soon to be 4) people, while they live on at least 2 incomes that support only the two of them.  And I'm not bitter about that, it just is what it is.  But it ends up making me feel bad because we didn't get them as much stuff and then I react to that with "why do I need to buy them stuff to prove I care"?  But again, this is totally my sinful heart going nutso because it's not like they have ever indicated in any way, shape or form that they expect me to buy them more stuff or that they're disappointed by the lack of gifts.  They just like to give us things to show they care about us.  And this extends to how much they give Elijah.  He got SO many toys, books, puzzles, DVDs, etc. for Christmas this year that I recoil and go "am I going to be raising a materialistic, consumer-minded kid?!"  And then I remind myself that it's about attitude.  If we view the stuff as just stuff that is an expression of how much the grandparents value the kids, then our kids will learn that attitude.  At least I hope.  And in any case, I shouldn't be Captain Judgey Von Holierthanthou simply because I don't want my kid to rely on "stuff" to make him happy.  Modeling judgmentalism isn't any better.  Moreover, if I do so I could rob my parents and in laws of the joys they get out of giving gifts to my kid(s).

 Addisyn playing with the drum toys we got for her.

So that's my rant about how my cynicism about Christmas has been warring in my heart with a good attitude this past year.  I do want to do more stuff in our family to talk about Jesus and about giving cheerfully (something I model just terribly--not because I'm necessarily greedy but because I am just so anti-gifts, which I suppose is just another form of being greedy).  Next year I believe we will do an Advent calendar with Elijah.  He was too young to understand it this year and plus baby #2 has been making me feel extra pukey and tired so I used that as an excuse to be lazy.  I also read on someone else's blog about having your kids pick a charity to give to each year and I think that's a good idea.  We will probably continue to only give one or two gifts to our kids each year, partially because there's no need to give more since the grandparents go nuts, and partially to show that our love isn't based on gifts.  And I suppose I could tell the grandparents to calm down but I think I should just leave it alone and let them have their joy of spoiling the kiddos.  Taking it away isn't anymore Christ-like than showering my kids with gifts to show that stuff makes you happy.

Elijah playing with the drum toys we got for Addisyn.

Okay, so now that I'm done with my rant, on to what we actually did.  We did Christmas early at the Oesch household and, unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera so I have no pictures from that.  But I'm not sure we would have gotten any good pictures anyway because just before we went over to the Oesch house, Elijah had woken up with a fever and was all cranky.  And he remained so for most of the evening.  (For those of you who think I'm a bad parent for taking him to Christmas with a fever, they live within walking distance of our house and there were no other kiddos around.  Also I wasn't sure at first if he had a fever or was just hot b/c my father-in-law likes to keep his thermostat at 80 degrees.)

Addisyn playing with the moraccas we got her.

Then after a week of us sitting on the couch watching PBS because he was sick all week, we headed to Oklahoma to see my family.  We were there for ten days and Elijah got better by day two or three.  However, he was not sleeping well at first because my mom only had a pack and play from when he was tiny and so he doesn't fit in it anymore and wouldn't sleep.  My sister-in-law let us borrow their larger pack and play but that didn't work either, I think because it's low to the ground and dark so he can't really see where he is.  So I hated to suggest that they buy a crib since cribs are so expensive but it looked like he wasn't going to sleep otherwise.  Fortunately, God was looking out for us and my stepdad found a really nice crib with mattress at a second hand store for $80.  After that Elijah slept better until the end of the week when he started getting really stopped up and coughing a lot.  I thought it was because the room is dry (Oklahoma has been in a drought, after all) but the cough is still around even though we're back home and he has his humidifier on when he sleeps.  So apparently he just got sick again.  It feels like he's been sick for almost three weeks straight because even when he wasn't sick he wasn't sleeping well.  So I'm exhausted and really should be napping right now instead of blogging, but whatever.

Me, my brother Rick & sister-in-law Marcie

Back to Christmas, he again was not in a super mood during Hatley/Brown gift opening because of lack of sleep.  But it was a fun time anyway.  The week in Oklahoma was nice for me because I didn't have to constantly be the one watching Elijah.  This was good since I spent most of the time feeling queasy thanks to baby #2 or eating, also thanks to baby #2.  I guess the queasiness kept me from going too crazy on food because at my last OB appointment she said I was gaining weight properly.  So why I look 6 months pregnant when I'm only about 4 months is beyond me.

More opening presents with Daddy.

I did get my hair done and I got some maternity pants thanks to the Old Navy gift card my dad gave me.  I also got other stuff I wanted like this cool tea maker that my brother and sister-in-law gave me and the Eclipse DVD from my mom.  I know I got a lot more stuff than that, but again, I'm not a big gift person so if I forgot what you gave me I'm sorry.  It's not because I didn't like it, I'm just dumb.

Feeding himself yogurt

So there you have it, that's my Christmas blog.  I hope everyone else had a good holiday and didn't get trampled at walmart.  All pictures are courtesy of my mom or sister-in-law because I am so dumb that I forgot to charge my camera battery before we went out of town.

Big Announcement

I started writing this when I was 5 weeks pregnant but since we weren't going public with it until I got to 12 weeks, it's just now being published.  It was very strange.  We were trying to get pregnant again but I assumed because it took so long last time that we would have to try for awhile again.  This time it only took two months.  The medical reasons I believe have to do with me not going back on the pill after I had Elijah.  Spiritually, though, I believe I was much more in submission to the Lord's will as to if and when we had another child than I was last time.  Now the trouble is trying to maintain that submission and trust in the midst of nausea and fatigue while caring for a toddler.  I know I have already failed more than once.  Thank Jesus for grace!

Anyway, here's what I've been thinking about up until now.

Week 5:  It's very strange to think about at this point.  I keep forgetting that I'm pregnant because my only current symptoms are slight boob soreness and a lack of a period, which is my normal state of being 3/4 of the time anyway.  When I was pregnant with Elijah I was nauseated from week 6 until he came out of me.  Literally.  I remember being in my hospital room right after he was born and thinking "Hey!! I'm not nauseous!  I think I might like eating food again!"  So I'm a little afraid I'm going to be majorly nauseated again in like a week and won't that be funtastic while I'm taking care of an almost-toddler?  We'll see, I guess.  I suppose I'll take Zofran again if I have to.

 Here's the pregnancy test I took (the first one anyway).  I know you all love looking at things I peed on.

Week 6: Well, the nausea fairy has visited me once again.  It's not quite as bad as last time where I was puking every morning but still not easy to take care of my one year-old while I feel like puking, even if I'm not actually doing it.  Also, I fear it will get worse because it got worse the last time.  I just really hope it doesn't last the entire time like it did when I was pregnant the first time.

In addition to having upset tummy, I also am now stupid and clumsy.  I keep dropping things and forgetting things I normally don't forget.  The other day we went out to eat and I accidentally took the receipt that I'd signed rather than the one I was supposed to take.  I guess they can still use it?  Maybe I should call them. Hmm...  I'll ask my brother.  And if this stupid relaxin hormone causes me to drop one more thing I think I'm going to start wearing velcro clothes and just sticking things to myself.  That might be a good idea anyway...

Week 7: So I broke down at my first appointment and asked for zofran.  Even though I'm not throwing up, it's way harder to deal with nausea when you have to take care of a one year old.  I've been taking it but it only somewhat alleviates the nausea, it doesn't remove it completely.  In addition, nothing sounds appetizing.  So even though I'm hungry all the time, I can't find anything in my kitchen that I want to eat. And as if that weren't enough, my nose is insanely sensitive.  So my dog smells like death.  My sink and trash make me want to vomit and if Elijah has a poopy diaper I can smell it from across the room.  And who has to change it?  That's right, it's yours truly.

Week 8: Okay so why is it that I already look like I'm like 4 months pregnant when I'm not even 2 months?  Either I'm pigging out way more than I should--which seems unlikely since half the time I can barely force myself to eat since I feel like puking all the time--or something else is going on.  I guess it's just that Elijah ruined my figure and now it will never be the same.  And now that baby #2 is on the way, stuff is less tight and starting to make me into a tub of lard before it should.  *sigh*  Oh well.  Baby #2 is due to be born right before my birthday so I'll just ask for a subscription to Weight Watchers for my birthday.

Note: Ordinarily it is a very very BAD idea to give a woman a gym membership or a subscription to WW or anything along those lines as a gift.  The only exception is if she specifically asks for it and not in a casual "maybe I should get a gym membership..." way.  Be certain she uses the words "For [my birthday, Christmas, etc.]  I want [gym membership, thigh master, WW subscription, etc.]."  Just in case there are any men reading this, wanted to make sure this didn't lead to a very bad idea and many nights sleeping on the couch. ;)

Week 9: So lately I have been meditating a lot on trusting the Lord completely in all things.  This is a major difficulty for me because I am such a looney control freak (just ask my husband).  And I have been spotting a lot, which is freaking me out.  I spotted when I was pregnant with Elijah so I keep trying to tell myself not to worry because it's normal and it's not like I'm crampy or gushing blood or anything but it's still nerve-wracking.  The most difficult part of it is that if I were to have a miscarriage, there's nothing I can do to prevent it.  You know they give you that mile-long list of how to avoid SIDS but miscarriage is a complete mystery most of the time and there's nothing you can do to cause or prevent it (unless it's something like a car accident).  In other words, it's completely in the Lord's hands and I can't do anything to prevent it.  All I can do is pray.  Pray that God would allow me to carry this child to term and have it and, in some ways more importantly, pray that he would give me a calm heart--a heart that trusts that whatever happens it is for his good purposes.  I really don't like that prayer.  I want things to go the way I want them to go.  How much of a toddler do I sound like?

Week 11: So I haven't felt as nauseated this week, but I have a stupid cold so I'm not sure if the nausea is really abating or if it's just taken a back seat to the cold discomfort, which includes a headache that won't end.  (Tylenol sucks!)  I hope it stays gone once I recover from this cold.  The fatigue of being pregnant wasn't enough I guess and now the cold is making me feel run down, too.  So all I want to do is sleep.  Pretty easy when you're chasing around a toddler that can now walk unassisted and likes to climb on everything, including me.  I am starting to wish I could go to bed at 7:30 like Elijah does.  Of course, he is sleeping so much better now that I think I'm probably getting spoiled since in June we're going to be back to waking up every two hours for the new little one.  I'll just try to pack in all the rest I can until then, I guess.  Night night.

Week 12: Nausea is back.  It was only masked by the cold.  Now I wish I had my cold back.

So we have reached the beginning of week 13.  Second trimester.  When 90% of women start to feel better.  How did my day start?  Well, first I threw up for the first time this pregnancy.  Then at church I nearly fainted and had to lie down on the floor in the big middle of the entrance to the sanctuary where everyone gets to see!  If I wasn't humble at church before, I was after that.  I guess there's no keeping my dignity when it comes to this pregnancy thing.  I fainted in church when I was pregnant with Elijah, too.  That time I wasn't out in the open for everyone to see, but I spilled the tea I was drinking and so all the people sitting near me got to watch my demise.  Lovely.  Oh well.  At least I go to church with wonderful, gracious people who were just concerned about my health and didn't make me feel any stupider than I already felt.

However, this just leads me to conclude that I am most likely not going to have a different experience with this pregnancy; I will just be nauseated all nine months like last time.  Hooray.  I just hope this isn't an omen that everything is going to go exactly the same as last time because I don't want another c-section and I don't want to have to spend an entire week in the hospital again because the baby loses too much weight.  Ugh!  Prayer, calm, Bonnie, God is in control.

Anywho, I have sonogram pictures but my scanner isn't working so I can't get them on here. Sorry.  Instead, here's a picture of my fat belly.  Yes, I really am only 3 months pregnant.  I just ate before I took this picture so some of it is food baby.

So it turns out...

Elijah is capable of walking!  In fact, he started taking a few unassisted steps consistently about a week ago and now he can walk around the whole living and dining room by himself.  It was similar to when he started crawling.  He figured it out and then became a pro at it in like two seconds (really it was more like two days, but that's still ultra fast, in my opinion).  I'm glad because when we're out in public he's getting sick of being stuck in the stroller all the time.  So maybe now he'll get the hang of walking 90% of the time and not want to crawl on the dirty floor at the doctor's office so I can let him loose a little.  I suppose that's both a blessing and a curse.

For those of you that were wondering, First Steps did come out and do an evaluation on him.  I haven't heard back from them yet on the results but the speech therapist woman who was here was really nice and said she didn't think he was delayed, just kind of a mellow kid.  That was last week when he was taking a few steps.  She predicted that in a week or so he'd be walking all over the house and she was right apparently.  She didn't really make any predictions about his speech, so I have no idea when that will develop.  She did say, though, that things like speech take a back seat when they're learning motor skills (i.e. walking) so he might have an explosion of words once he masters walking.  I suppose we'll see.  Again, Bonnie needs to realize she isn't in control and leave it in God's hands since I can't take it from him anyway.

Elijah does seem to finally have mastered the word "Dada".  I wasn't entirely sure he knew who "Dada" was or if he was just saying "dadadadada" as a babbling word but last weekend Mike left the room and Elijah was standing there whining "Dada!" so I think he's got at least "Mama" and "Dada" down.  Now if we could just add to that list of words.  It's always something, isn't it.

So since this has no pictures this time (sorry!), I'm going to attempt to upload the video of Elijah walking that I took this afternoon.  No guarantees on whether or not it will work.  I've never uploaded a video to my blog before.  Here goes...

Spooning

Aside from saying "Ball... ball... ball..." constantly until Elijah looks at me like "Yeah, I get it, it's a ball, do we have to talk about it all day?" we have also been working on learning to use a spoon.  It is both fun and tear-inducing.

Usually around 3:00 after nap we have an afternoon snack, normally a yogurt.  So lately I've been letting him use his own spoon to feed himself the yogurt.  Sometimes I am foolish and forget to put a bib on him, like here.  Anyway, he likes to do it.  He gets that you stick the spoon in the yogurt and then put it in your mouth, but hasn't quite gotten which direction you're supposed to put the spoon in the yogurt.

As you can see, though he did put the correct end in the yogurt, he has it upside down.  I guess when you're not that great at scooping, it doesn't make much difference whether you put the spoon in upside down or not.

This is from another time when I was smarter and remembered to put his bib on.  The worst part is the end because once the yogurt gets low enough, I have to take over because he simply can't scrape the stuff off the bottom.  He doesn't like that, he wants to do it himself.  And when I take the spoons and empty yogurt container away, the waterworks begin.


But I guess that's how it goes when we're learning to use a spoon.  Also, I'm not sure if you were aware, but part of the process is painting Mommy's hand with yogurt.  It's a very integral part.

Our Horrendous 15 month checkup

So Elijah isn't technically 15 months old until Sunday but his checkup was today.  And like each checkup before I knew they were going to ask questions assuming that my answer would be "yes", naturally, because all normal children with decent mothers answer "yes"... to which I have to answer "no".

"Is he walking?"
"Well, he takes one or two unassisted steps and walks around a lot with the assistance of his walker toy..."
"Does he have at least five words?"
"Um... no, he only really says 'mama' like he knows what it means..."
"He doesn't use a pacifier anymore, right?"
"Well... he uses one to sleep..."  (And that's not entirely true because we let him use it other times when he's having a really rough time like when he goes to the nursery at church.)
"You read to him daily?"
"Errrr.... for the most part...."
"Can he point to his body parts?"
"Um... sort of... sometimes..."

My concerns about his lack of language development are apparently not totally unfounded.  The doctor said he should have at least five words by now, and he doesn't.  It made me feel both vindicated--because I kept saying it wasn't normal for him not to say any words yet and people kept telling me I was worrying for nothing--and ashamed--because if he isn't talking and there's nothing wrong with him developmentally then I am apparently not doing what I need to do in order to teach him how to talk.  It makes me wonder if he has a hearing issue, but he seems to hear just fine.  Of course, I don't really know how to test for that so how would I know?  Or maybe he has a speech impediment.  But when he babbles he makes all sorts of vowel and consonant sounds including double consonants (i.e. "sh", "th", "sr").  It's more likely that I simply let him watch too much TV and am being a bad parent.

His doctor told me to call this developmental testing place called First Steps (http://dese.mo.gov/divspeced/FirstSteps/) and have them come out and do an assessment.  She said it was really just a precautionary measure so that if there is a problem we can catch it early and she thinks he's probably just going to have an explosion of words over the next three months.  I know she was trying to reassure me and make me feel better, but it's my job to take care of him.  That is my sole and only purpose in life right now and apparently I'm failing at it.

After that he got four lovely shots.  And this time he cried before she even gave him the shots because we were holding him down (he doesn't like to stay in a lying down position), so it got way worse once he got the shots.  Two in each leg.  I started to cry too but kept it enough under control that I don't think the nurse noticed.  And then no matter how long I held him, he wouldn't get comforted.  He just kept crying.  So I had to wheel him out to the checkout window crying and then out to the car crying.  I sat with him in the car for a few minutes trying to play and cuddle and distract him so he'd stop crying.  But then of course when I put him in the carseat, the tears returned.  And so, desperate to calm him so that I could drive us home, I pulled out the pacifier--which of course he's no longer supposed to have according to his doctor.

Most of the drive back I cried.  I don't feel well right now and I'm exhausted and we aren't exactly doing well financially and now my baby isn't developing right.  I feel guilty already about our financial problems because I don't work outside the home.  And now the job I am supposed to be doing--caring for our son--I am doing poorly because he's miserable today and not developing correctly.  I was just crying and praying  "Lord, please help me to trust you in this.  I know I have no control and that your hand is upon all of this.  Please help me trust you to care for Elijah.  It doesn't matter if he never speaks.  It only matters if he loves Jesus.  Please help me to believe that and give this all to you.  Really, really give it to you and not take it back."

I was planning to go to walmart after the appointment but obviously that wasn't going to happen so we went home and as soon as we were out of the car and the pacifier was gone, Elijah started crying again.  I wanted to turn on the TV to distract him but decided I had been a terrible enough parent for one lifetime and instead picked him up and took him outside.  That calmed him down but every time I tried to come back inside, he'd start crying again.  But it was getting to be lunch time and not only did I need to make his lunch but I was starving as well.  So I had to leave him sitting on the floor crying while I made lunch since nothing I was doing was getting him to stop crying anyway and I was about to lose it and go upstairs and scream into a pillow.

He sort of calmed down while eating lunch but of course he whines for my food because for some reason my food is more interesting than his.  And I really don't mind sharing I just don't want to reward the whining.  But since he has no words, what the hell am I supposed to do?  I can't demand that he ask for a "bite" because he can't say "bite".

So now he's supposed to be napping but I've already heard fussing/crying start up twice so we'll see how well this nap goes.  And of course, if he won't nap and I can't get him to calm down any other way I'm going to have to resort to sitting on the couch with a Veggie Tales movie on so I don't totally lose it and so he doesn't end up hyperventilating.

Guess who will NOT be nominated for mother of the year?