Big Announcement

I started writing this when I was 5 weeks pregnant but since we weren't going public with it until I got to 12 weeks, it's just now being published.  It was very strange.  We were trying to get pregnant again but I assumed because it took so long last time that we would have to try for awhile again.  This time it only took two months.  The medical reasons I believe have to do with me not going back on the pill after I had Elijah.  Spiritually, though, I believe I was much more in submission to the Lord's will as to if and when we had another child than I was last time.  Now the trouble is trying to maintain that submission and trust in the midst of nausea and fatigue while caring for a toddler.  I know I have already failed more than once.  Thank Jesus for grace!

Anyway, here's what I've been thinking about up until now.

Week 5:  It's very strange to think about at this point.  I keep forgetting that I'm pregnant because my only current symptoms are slight boob soreness and a lack of a period, which is my normal state of being 3/4 of the time anyway.  When I was pregnant with Elijah I was nauseated from week 6 until he came out of me.  Literally.  I remember being in my hospital room right after he was born and thinking "Hey!! I'm not nauseous!  I think I might like eating food again!"  So I'm a little afraid I'm going to be majorly nauseated again in like a week and won't that be funtastic while I'm taking care of an almost-toddler?  We'll see, I guess.  I suppose I'll take Zofran again if I have to.

 Here's the pregnancy test I took (the first one anyway).  I know you all love looking at things I peed on.

Week 6: Well, the nausea fairy has visited me once again.  It's not quite as bad as last time where I was puking every morning but still not easy to take care of my one year-old while I feel like puking, even if I'm not actually doing it.  Also, I fear it will get worse because it got worse the last time.  I just really hope it doesn't last the entire time like it did when I was pregnant the first time.

In addition to having upset tummy, I also am now stupid and clumsy.  I keep dropping things and forgetting things I normally don't forget.  The other day we went out to eat and I accidentally took the receipt that I'd signed rather than the one I was supposed to take.  I guess they can still use it?  Maybe I should call them. Hmm...  I'll ask my brother.  And if this stupid relaxin hormone causes me to drop one more thing I think I'm going to start wearing velcro clothes and just sticking things to myself.  That might be a good idea anyway...

Week 7: So I broke down at my first appointment and asked for zofran.  Even though I'm not throwing up, it's way harder to deal with nausea when you have to take care of a one year old.  I've been taking it but it only somewhat alleviates the nausea, it doesn't remove it completely.  In addition, nothing sounds appetizing.  So even though I'm hungry all the time, I can't find anything in my kitchen that I want to eat. And as if that weren't enough, my nose is insanely sensitive.  So my dog smells like death.  My sink and trash make me want to vomit and if Elijah has a poopy diaper I can smell it from across the room.  And who has to change it?  That's right, it's yours truly.

Week 8: Okay so why is it that I already look like I'm like 4 months pregnant when I'm not even 2 months?  Either I'm pigging out way more than I should--which seems unlikely since half the time I can barely force myself to eat since I feel like puking all the time--or something else is going on.  I guess it's just that Elijah ruined my figure and now it will never be the same.  And now that baby #2 is on the way, stuff is less tight and starting to make me into a tub of lard before it should.  *sigh*  Oh well.  Baby #2 is due to be born right before my birthday so I'll just ask for a subscription to Weight Watchers for my birthday.

Note: Ordinarily it is a very very BAD idea to give a woman a gym membership or a subscription to WW or anything along those lines as a gift.  The only exception is if she specifically asks for it and not in a casual "maybe I should get a gym membership..." way.  Be certain she uses the words "For [my birthday, Christmas, etc.]  I want [gym membership, thigh master, WW subscription, etc.]."  Just in case there are any men reading this, wanted to make sure this didn't lead to a very bad idea and many nights sleeping on the couch. ;)

Week 9: So lately I have been meditating a lot on trusting the Lord completely in all things.  This is a major difficulty for me because I am such a looney control freak (just ask my husband).  And I have been spotting a lot, which is freaking me out.  I spotted when I was pregnant with Elijah so I keep trying to tell myself not to worry because it's normal and it's not like I'm crampy or gushing blood or anything but it's still nerve-wracking.  The most difficult part of it is that if I were to have a miscarriage, there's nothing I can do to prevent it.  You know they give you that mile-long list of how to avoid SIDS but miscarriage is a complete mystery most of the time and there's nothing you can do to cause or prevent it (unless it's something like a car accident).  In other words, it's completely in the Lord's hands and I can't do anything to prevent it.  All I can do is pray.  Pray that God would allow me to carry this child to term and have it and, in some ways more importantly, pray that he would give me a calm heart--a heart that trusts that whatever happens it is for his good purposes.  I really don't like that prayer.  I want things to go the way I want them to go.  How much of a toddler do I sound like?

Week 11: So I haven't felt as nauseated this week, but I have a stupid cold so I'm not sure if the nausea is really abating or if it's just taken a back seat to the cold discomfort, which includes a headache that won't end.  (Tylenol sucks!)  I hope it stays gone once I recover from this cold.  The fatigue of being pregnant wasn't enough I guess and now the cold is making me feel run down, too.  So all I want to do is sleep.  Pretty easy when you're chasing around a toddler that can now walk unassisted and likes to climb on everything, including me.  I am starting to wish I could go to bed at 7:30 like Elijah does.  Of course, he is sleeping so much better now that I think I'm probably getting spoiled since in June we're going to be back to waking up every two hours for the new little one.  I'll just try to pack in all the rest I can until then, I guess.  Night night.

Week 12: Nausea is back.  It was only masked by the cold.  Now I wish I had my cold back.

So we have reached the beginning of week 13.  Second trimester.  When 90% of women start to feel better.  How did my day start?  Well, first I threw up for the first time this pregnancy.  Then at church I nearly fainted and had to lie down on the floor in the big middle of the entrance to the sanctuary where everyone gets to see!  If I wasn't humble at church before, I was after that.  I guess there's no keeping my dignity when it comes to this pregnancy thing.  I fainted in church when I was pregnant with Elijah, too.  That time I wasn't out in the open for everyone to see, but I spilled the tea I was drinking and so all the people sitting near me got to watch my demise.  Lovely.  Oh well.  At least I go to church with wonderful, gracious people who were just concerned about my health and didn't make me feel any stupider than I already felt.

However, this just leads me to conclude that I am most likely not going to have a different experience with this pregnancy; I will just be nauseated all nine months like last time.  Hooray.  I just hope this isn't an omen that everything is going to go exactly the same as last time because I don't want another c-section and I don't want to have to spend an entire week in the hospital again because the baby loses too much weight.  Ugh!  Prayer, calm, Bonnie, God is in control.

Anywho, I have sonogram pictures but my scanner isn't working so I can't get them on here. Sorry.  Instead, here's a picture of my fat belly.  Yes, I really am only 3 months pregnant.  I just ate before I took this picture so some of it is food baby.

So it turns out...

Elijah is capable of walking!  In fact, he started taking a few unassisted steps consistently about a week ago and now he can walk around the whole living and dining room by himself.  It was similar to when he started crawling.  He figured it out and then became a pro at it in like two seconds (really it was more like two days, but that's still ultra fast, in my opinion).  I'm glad because when we're out in public he's getting sick of being stuck in the stroller all the time.  So maybe now he'll get the hang of walking 90% of the time and not want to crawl on the dirty floor at the doctor's office so I can let him loose a little.  I suppose that's both a blessing and a curse.

For those of you that were wondering, First Steps did come out and do an evaluation on him.  I haven't heard back from them yet on the results but the speech therapist woman who was here was really nice and said she didn't think he was delayed, just kind of a mellow kid.  That was last week when he was taking a few steps.  She predicted that in a week or so he'd be walking all over the house and she was right apparently.  She didn't really make any predictions about his speech, so I have no idea when that will develop.  She did say, though, that things like speech take a back seat when they're learning motor skills (i.e. walking) so he might have an explosion of words once he masters walking.  I suppose we'll see.  Again, Bonnie needs to realize she isn't in control and leave it in God's hands since I can't take it from him anyway.

Elijah does seem to finally have mastered the word "Dada".  I wasn't entirely sure he knew who "Dada" was or if he was just saying "dadadadada" as a babbling word but last weekend Mike left the room and Elijah was standing there whining "Dada!" so I think he's got at least "Mama" and "Dada" down.  Now if we could just add to that list of words.  It's always something, isn't it.

So since this has no pictures this time (sorry!), I'm going to attempt to upload the video of Elijah walking that I took this afternoon.  No guarantees on whether or not it will work.  I've never uploaded a video to my blog before.  Here goes...

Spooning

Aside from saying "Ball... ball... ball..." constantly until Elijah looks at me like "Yeah, I get it, it's a ball, do we have to talk about it all day?" we have also been working on learning to use a spoon.  It is both fun and tear-inducing.

Usually around 3:00 after nap we have an afternoon snack, normally a yogurt.  So lately I've been letting him use his own spoon to feed himself the yogurt.  Sometimes I am foolish and forget to put a bib on him, like here.  Anyway, he likes to do it.  He gets that you stick the spoon in the yogurt and then put it in your mouth, but hasn't quite gotten which direction you're supposed to put the spoon in the yogurt.

As you can see, though he did put the correct end in the yogurt, he has it upside down.  I guess when you're not that great at scooping, it doesn't make much difference whether you put the spoon in upside down or not.

This is from another time when I was smarter and remembered to put his bib on.  The worst part is the end because once the yogurt gets low enough, I have to take over because he simply can't scrape the stuff off the bottom.  He doesn't like that, he wants to do it himself.  And when I take the spoons and empty yogurt container away, the waterworks begin.


But I guess that's how it goes when we're learning to use a spoon.  Also, I'm not sure if you were aware, but part of the process is painting Mommy's hand with yogurt.  It's a very integral part.

Our Horrendous 15 month checkup

So Elijah isn't technically 15 months old until Sunday but his checkup was today.  And like each checkup before I knew they were going to ask questions assuming that my answer would be "yes", naturally, because all normal children with decent mothers answer "yes"... to which I have to answer "no".

"Is he walking?"
"Well, he takes one or two unassisted steps and walks around a lot with the assistance of his walker toy..."
"Does he have at least five words?"
"Um... no, he only really says 'mama' like he knows what it means..."
"He doesn't use a pacifier anymore, right?"
"Well... he uses one to sleep..."  (And that's not entirely true because we let him use it other times when he's having a really rough time like when he goes to the nursery at church.)
"You read to him daily?"
"Errrr.... for the most part...."
"Can he point to his body parts?"
"Um... sort of... sometimes..."

My concerns about his lack of language development are apparently not totally unfounded.  The doctor said he should have at least five words by now, and he doesn't.  It made me feel both vindicated--because I kept saying it wasn't normal for him not to say any words yet and people kept telling me I was worrying for nothing--and ashamed--because if he isn't talking and there's nothing wrong with him developmentally then I am apparently not doing what I need to do in order to teach him how to talk.  It makes me wonder if he has a hearing issue, but he seems to hear just fine.  Of course, I don't really know how to test for that so how would I know?  Or maybe he has a speech impediment.  But when he babbles he makes all sorts of vowel and consonant sounds including double consonants (i.e. "sh", "th", "sr").  It's more likely that I simply let him watch too much TV and am being a bad parent.

His doctor told me to call this developmental testing place called First Steps (http://dese.mo.gov/divspeced/FirstSteps/) and have them come out and do an assessment.  She said it was really just a precautionary measure so that if there is a problem we can catch it early and she thinks he's probably just going to have an explosion of words over the next three months.  I know she was trying to reassure me and make me feel better, but it's my job to take care of him.  That is my sole and only purpose in life right now and apparently I'm failing at it.

After that he got four lovely shots.  And this time he cried before she even gave him the shots because we were holding him down (he doesn't like to stay in a lying down position), so it got way worse once he got the shots.  Two in each leg.  I started to cry too but kept it enough under control that I don't think the nurse noticed.  And then no matter how long I held him, he wouldn't get comforted.  He just kept crying.  So I had to wheel him out to the checkout window crying and then out to the car crying.  I sat with him in the car for a few minutes trying to play and cuddle and distract him so he'd stop crying.  But then of course when I put him in the carseat, the tears returned.  And so, desperate to calm him so that I could drive us home, I pulled out the pacifier--which of course he's no longer supposed to have according to his doctor.

Most of the drive back I cried.  I don't feel well right now and I'm exhausted and we aren't exactly doing well financially and now my baby isn't developing right.  I feel guilty already about our financial problems because I don't work outside the home.  And now the job I am supposed to be doing--caring for our son--I am doing poorly because he's miserable today and not developing correctly.  I was just crying and praying  "Lord, please help me to trust you in this.  I know I have no control and that your hand is upon all of this.  Please help me trust you to care for Elijah.  It doesn't matter if he never speaks.  It only matters if he loves Jesus.  Please help me to believe that and give this all to you.  Really, really give it to you and not take it back."

I was planning to go to walmart after the appointment but obviously that wasn't going to happen so we went home and as soon as we were out of the car and the pacifier was gone, Elijah started crying again.  I wanted to turn on the TV to distract him but decided I had been a terrible enough parent for one lifetime and instead picked him up and took him outside.  That calmed him down but every time I tried to come back inside, he'd start crying again.  But it was getting to be lunch time and not only did I need to make his lunch but I was starving as well.  So I had to leave him sitting on the floor crying while I made lunch since nothing I was doing was getting him to stop crying anyway and I was about to lose it and go upstairs and scream into a pillow.

He sort of calmed down while eating lunch but of course he whines for my food because for some reason my food is more interesting than his.  And I really don't mind sharing I just don't want to reward the whining.  But since he has no words, what the hell am I supposed to do?  I can't demand that he ask for a "bite" because he can't say "bite".

So now he's supposed to be napping but I've already heard fussing/crying start up twice so we'll see how well this nap goes.  And of course, if he won't nap and I can't get him to calm down any other way I'm going to have to resort to sitting on the couch with a Veggie Tales movie on so I don't totally lose it and so he doesn't end up hyperventilating.

Guess who will NOT be nominated for mother of the year?

Pumpkin Patch

This weekend we visited the Johnson Farms Pumpkin Patch with the grandparents in tow.  And I'm a dork mom so I made my kid wear his pumpkin Halloween costume.  Yes, he will hate me when he's 16-19 but there's really no way to avoid that, right?  So I'm taking advantage of being able to embarrass him while I can.

The first thing we did was go see the piggies.  Here they are...

And here's Mike holding Elijah up so he can see them...

There was a pig race but it got so loud when it started that Elijah started crying, so we didn't get to see who won.  Next we went to the baby animal barn.  There were baby pigs and chicks.  I couldn't get a good picture of the baby piggies because it was too dark but here are the chicks.

And here's Mike and Elijah checking out the newborn baby piggies.

There was also this huge boar pig hanging around outside.  Hi giant pig!

He was interested in the chickens in the coop, too.

Next we ate lunch.

And then we got to ride the train.  Actually it was just a regular golf-cart-like car with a bunch of cars attached to it.  Mike tried to ride with Elijah but...

Apparently it's made for smaller bottoms and legs.  So I rode with him instead.

My mom and stepdad were there so they got to hang out with the Little Man, too, which was loads of fun.

We were going to take the hayride out to get a pumpkin but Elijah was totally worn out.  If you need proof, here is what he looked like on the ride home.

Happy Fall Everyone!

Cardio Appointment

So we had Elijah's most recent appointment with the cardiologist to check out his heart.  For those who don't know, he was born with a few minor heart defects.  He had three tiny Ventricular Septal Defects (VSDs - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ventricular_septal_defect) and one Atrial Septal Defect (ASD - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atrial_septal_defect).  They were first detected when one of the pediatricians checking on him in the hospital when he was first born heard a murmur.  Evidently, this murmur was caused by the VSDs, but it's the ASD that's more concerning, according to the cardiologist at Children's Mercy.  The three VSDs were tiny and apparently two of them have closed up.  But he's still saying that Elijah may have to have some kind of procedure done for the ASD when he's older.  It would be a catheter procedure most likely (so not surgery) and it would happen somewhere around the age of 5 if he has to have it done.  However, the defects are not growing as he grows.  In other words, though he's gotten bigger, the defects have remained the same size that they were when he was born so, relative to his current size, they are proportionally smaller.

We are supposed to go back in two years and, I believe, at that time he is going to determine whether it is necessary to do the catheter procedure to close up the ASD, even though the procedure wouldn't actually be done for another two years at least.

So blessings abound:
1. The doctor heard the VSD murmur.  Even though the VSDs aren't important, if he hadn't heard the murmur, we would never have discovered the ASD.
2. Two of the VSDs have disappeared and the third one, the doctor isn't concerned about at all.
3. The ASD is not getting bigger and we may not have to do anything to correct it.
4. Even if we do have to do something to correct it, he shouldn't have to have surgery.

Continued prayers are appreciated!

We're All Weaned & Purged

So Elijah and I have ended nursing.  It was a mutual decision for us both.  We were both ready to be done.  I admire women who continue to breastfeed on into their child's first and even second year.  If it works for your family, then by all means, keep it up.  I also don't think there's anything wrong with those who choose to end nursing early for whatever reason.  Whatever is in the best interests of your family is what should be done and not everything works best for every family.

In our family, we had reached the point where Elijah was only nursing before he went to sleep and then when he would wake up in the middle of the night.  It got to the point where it felt like I was forcing him to nurse before nap or bedtime when all he really wanted to do was lie down and go to sleep.  So he was ready to be done with that.  And I was more than ready to be done with waking up 2-3 times a night and sitting up for ten minutes at a time with my eyelids barely propped open while Elijah unnecessarily nursed before I put him back down.  It was disrupting all of our sleep, which isn't good for any of us.

So after a few times putting him down for nap and bed without nursing and having success, we also put an end to the night waking/feedings and simply went into give him cuddles and kisses if he woke up.  It was a bit of a struggle for a couple nights but we're all sleeping much more soundly now and I no longer have to be the one to put him to sleep every time he goes down.

Our last feeding was a bit anticlimactic because I didn't realize it was going to be the last one.  It was a night feeding and then the next night he slept through the night without waking up.  By that time I was starting to feel full and decided it was time to just endure the fullness and pain until the milk dried up so the next night when he woke up once we started the "no nursing--go back to sleep" plan.  (We're really good at coming up with clever names for our plans.)

Anyway, it took a little over a week for my milk to dry up and it was not pleasant.  But I think I'm finally back to normal chestal status so today Elijah went with me to buy new bras.  When I had him I got rid of all my regular bras because they were old and not really supportive anymore.  Then we bought be some good nursing bras and sports bras but now that's all I have--or at least that was all I had until this morning when I went and bought new ones.

I got two of the Body by Victoria bras and one of the biofit ones because it's strapless.  I had a coupon for $25 off a $100 purchase and also another coupon for a free pair of underwear that Mike should be pleased with.  It still cost $120 (ACK!!!) but they should last me a long time (I hope anyway).

Body by Victoria (got two of these)

BioFit (one of these for strapless purposes)

This was the free pair of underwear I got with the coupon.  Mike should like them.  Yes, it says "Bride", which I realize I am not, but hey, a free pair of underwear is a free pair of underwear.

In the spirit of embracing this new "Mom-body" I have, courtesy of my sweet Little Man, I also went through my closet and purged a lot of the stuff I can no longer wear.  It's mostly just because I don't like shirts that don't come down and cover my mom pooch belly.  Anyway, here's the pile of clothing I removed from my closet.

I also got rid of some of the shoes that I wore when I worked as an attorney but that I now have no occasion to wear.  It's too bad I have such microscopic feet or I could have given them to someone I know.  They're nice shoes, but no one else can wear my size.  Some tiny woman is going to have a very good day at goodwill sometime soon, that is, if I give it all to goodwill.  Right now it's just making a huge mess in my bedroom and since I hate clutter, it's kind of annoying me.  Part of me wants to just pile it in my car and drive it up to goodwill like right now but I also have a bunch of furniture that I'm planning to call Salvation Army or something like that to come pick up so I should probably just put the clothes out with that.  Maybe it will motivate me to get off my hump and get the stuff out for pick up.  It's just hard to do inventory of the furniture and make phonecalls and set furniture out when you have a one year old to take care of.

So, I know all of this is very interesting to everyone. NOT.  (That's right--just call me "Mom Early-90s Catch Phrase".)  No, seriously.  I know what you really want is to see a picture of Elijah, so here's a picture of him NOT nursing.